I'm feeling kind of excited today. I have this idea of what I want my life to be like in the near future. I have an idea of how I make money and how I can express all these ideas I've had floating around in my head for the last few years. Sadly the two are separate at the moment so the job I'd do to make money wouldn't be fulfilling but it'd allow me to do the latter. I've been letting myself day-dream and visualize what I want in detail. I know whatever happens won't be exactly the same but it really gives me hope and gets me out of bed in the morning, so why not.

Our friend who came to visit us on Friday night was someone who we've worked together on some projects back in NYC. Manny worked with her as an actor and I worked with her at the Asian American Film Lab when we were both workshopping new works. She's an amazing writer in addition to being an amazing actor. She asked if Manny and I would be the leads in her short film. This made me so excited!!! And I realize that I want to create and if it doesn't take my career anywhere and doesn't make me any money, I don't care. So at this moment, I am content to walk away from pursuing acting as a profession. I know I never thought of writing as a viable career option for me because (a) I don't do it that much and (b) I never thought I was that great at it but I think because I have a lot of free time these days I'm going to let myself give it a shot (besides this blog of course). I got a lot of positive feedback from a short play I wrote awhile ago which surprised me because I didn't even know how to write a play but the ideas I had in the play were honest, true and raw which is all that really matters to me.

This is a nice, quiet Sunday. It'd be almost perfect if Manny and I weren't worried about jobs in the back of our minds...

And I didn't even acknowledge 9/11. If anything, I am happy I am alive and the ones that I love are here with me. I am grateful for that.

I've been collecting quotes lately that inspire me or give me a new perspective on where I am in life right now. This one rings true to me at the moment:

"It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It's not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can be a catalyst for profound re-invention" - Conan O'Brien

I heard this in his speech to the graduating class at Dartmouth. It almost made me cry. I think when a person is young, they have this idea of how they are going to be as an adult which for me was age 30. Because I'm turning 30 in less than 2 months, I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself to have it all figured out. But does anybody ever have it all figured out? I'm starting to understand that life really is about the journey. It's been a hard lesson to learn because for some reason I always thought by the time I hit 30 I would have accomplished everything and then that's it... I could coast through life. It's such a silly idea now that I think about it. For example, if you always wanted to have 2 kids by 30 it doesn't end there because you still have to raise those kids. If you wanted to be a millionaire by 30 then, you probably still have to keep working to keep up that lifestyle.

I am slowly figuring out what I want my next move to be. Everything feels like it's moving way too slow and both Manny and I are really struggling. A lot of our energy is used to keep our spirits up. If anything, I'm pretty proud of us for not throwing in the towel right now. The task at hand right now is for us both to get jobs. I've had a hard time accepting the fact that I need to wait tables again while I figure out/work towards that next step. I respect waiting tables as a profession. It's not as easy as it looks and most people do it because they are in school, pursuing acting/music/writing etc. or are in a transition phase (myself!). Many people who are close to me make snide comments when I waited tables in NYC and as much as I don't want to admit, I do care what people think about me. I am not a mind reader but I know they think I have no ambition, am lazy or a loser. However this is what I need to do to make a good amount of money and have the sort of schedule I need and I know it won't be forever. But as I said before, because I do care what people think, it's been hard for me to admit that I have to do this.

Tonight an actor friend of ours from NYC is coming over and I think it'll be good to catch up. I do have fond memories of the shows and projects I worked on. I do miss it and am very nostalgic for it.

I'm remaining hopeful and positive. I refuse to ever let myself sink so low that I can't get out of bed in the morning. I truly believe there is a purpose for all this... what the hell that purpose is right now, I have no idea. It sucks. I will go ahead and say it but what can I do but keep living each day and making it the best that it can be?

Today was a rough day but I'm safe at home now and I can't wait to shower and get into bed with a good book and maybe if my cats are in a loving mood, one of them will come cuddle with me. It's the small things these days that can lift my spirits. I went to a yoga class this morning and the minute I got to the studio, my co-worker proceeded to tell me there was an attempted robbery the night before. Apparently someone hid in our building and then made a hole through a wall to get to the jewelry store in the building connected to ours. This is incredibly disturbing because I was the one who locked up the studio last night. So, my yoga class wasn't relaxing like it should have been.

The domino effect is incredibly annoying. I had my improv. class today and I was in such a depressed mood. I wasn't as energetic as I normally am. Usually I jump out every chance I get and I love providing support for my teammates' scenes. Today my improv. reflexes were very slow. I think the teacher noticed and pointed some things out. I'm trying to be more social with improvisers in LA but it's hard because I feel like I'm constantly in a state of depression, worry or anxiety. I try to check the baggage at the door but today I just couldn't seem to do it. Forming an indie team and doing shows is really all about networking. I think as long as you don't suck badly, you should be able to get on a team if you talk to and are nice to the right people.

With that being said, rather than curl up in a ball and cry after class, I made myself eat some dinner and I headed to a weekly improv. show in Hollywood to see my teacher's team perform and get to know some of my classmates better. I'm glad I went. I had some good laughs and interacting with people who have lived in LA for awhile makes me feel like I belong here... whatever that means. I was stressed about finding parking and it took me awhile. Then I was worried I didn't read the signs right and I would get a ticket. I realize now that this is one of those annoying LA things and I will have to accept it and get used to it. This is a running theme in my life right now... accepting things as they are. If you can't change something, you might as well deal with it and perhaps embrace it for what it is. Resistance makes things harder.

Now I am going to wash this day away and head to bed. I'm thinking this is a boring post but that was my day and I felt compelled to document it. Tomorrow will be a good day. I will make sure of it.

I struggle with what I want this blog to be. I have no idea why since nobody reads it. But I guess I like having this out in cyberspace so I can access it whenever I want as long as I have internet. And if someone stumbles up on and reads it, so be it because I don't have any personal information on here.

I recently made a huge life change. I moved across the country with some money saved up but also without anything definite, like a job. I thought I did it for my acting career but the truth is, I haven't wanted to pursue this career for awhile but I didn't want to admit it to myself because it felt like failure, giving up and of course perhaps admitting to myself that I'm just not good enough to hack it. And the worst thought was that I invested the better part of my twenties working at this thing. What the hell do I do now?! These are really awful thoughts that have given me more anxiety and grief than I would ever want in a lifetime. I went through a dark time where I felt so hopeless and spent days crying. However I am lucky because I have my man beside me and as silly as it sounds, my two cats moved across the country with me as well so it's comforting to have them around. I am not alone and I do find comfort in that. At this time in my life, I am literally starting from scratch. Our apartment is a shining example of this. We came here with an air mattress and I guess a tv and laptop computer count as some sort of furniture/household item. We've been lucky and aquired some decent pieces of furniture off the street these last few weeks thanks to generous people (and strangers leaving things on our street!).

I have been fortunate to have a part-time job down the street from me at a yoga studio so I can take as much yoga as I want for free. The problem is the money isn't enough which means I have to look for something else. Being unemployed is a struggle in itself. Being unemployed in a city I don't know, love or feel comfortable in is very daunting. And then throw in the fact that I'm evaluating everything in my life right now and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life career-wise. I'm taking an improv. class right now and starting a team and it makes me realize that I can still do what I love without putting pressure on myself. As I type this out, I realize that I have to stop being so hard on myself. The position I'm in is incredibly difficult. There is also a part of me that feels extreme guilt because I put myself in this situation. I can't help but wonder if I had stayed in NYC would I be happier. But that's the thing... I slowly turned complacent there. I was comfortable but not really content. I am choosing to look at LA as a wake-up call and a chance to start over from scratch and create a life that I am not only comfortable in, but happy and alive in.

I really enjoyed my time in NYC for the most part. I'm glad I did it in my 20's. But now I'm ready for a quieter, serene and more balanced life. As fun and exciting as my life in NYC was, it was also exhausting and drained me emotionally, physically and mentally. But, I can't wait to visit since I'll be vacationing in a city that I know like that back of my hand!

Right now I'm trying to focus on one step at a time, instead of the gigantic mountain range that I have to climb over. It is so incredibly daunting that random moments through the day I want to cry out of frustration and anxiety.

There are positives to this though. I feel that my relationship with my boyfriend is being strengthened through all this. I'm also doing yoga and reading a lot which I could never seem to do regularly in NYC.

Anyway, I think I will now use this blog to talk about this experience of finding myself. I know that's an overused phrase but that's what's really going on here. I know I will look back on this period in my life with pride and as absurd as this sounds, maybe with a bit of nostalgia for everything being so fresh, new and unpredictable.

You attract what you are... I'm starting to believe that. The more positive I am, the better things get. But is that because I'm seeing things in a more positive light or because it is true of the law of attraction. Hm. I'm going to pay attention to that this week. I'll let you know what I find.

I think I'm getting a clearer and clearer picture of what I want out of life... nothing specific, but I know the way I want to feel in it, happy. Time starts now.

Trying to find the silver lining... shit is it taking a long time!