I've been collecting quotes lately that inspire me or give me a new perspective on where I am in life right now. This one rings true to me at the moment:

"It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It's not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can be a catalyst for profound re-invention" - Conan O'Brien

I heard this in his speech to the graduating class at Dartmouth. It almost made me cry. I think when a person is young, they have this idea of how they are going to be as an adult which for me was age 30. Because I'm turning 30 in less than 2 months, I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself to have it all figured out. But does anybody ever have it all figured out? I'm starting to understand that life really is about the journey. It's been a hard lesson to learn because for some reason I always thought by the time I hit 30 I would have accomplished everything and then that's it... I could coast through life. It's such a silly idea now that I think about it. For example, if you always wanted to have 2 kids by 30 it doesn't end there because you still have to raise those kids. If you wanted to be a millionaire by 30 then, you probably still have to keep working to keep up that lifestyle.

I am slowly figuring out what I want my next move to be. Everything feels like it's moving way too slow and both Manny and I are really struggling. A lot of our energy is used to keep our spirits up. If anything, I'm pretty proud of us for not throwing in the towel right now. The task at hand right now is for us both to get jobs. I've had a hard time accepting the fact that I need to wait tables again while I figure out/work towards that next step. I respect waiting tables as a profession. It's not as easy as it looks and most people do it because they are in school, pursuing acting/music/writing etc. or are in a transition phase (myself!). Many people who are close to me make snide comments when I waited tables in NYC and as much as I don't want to admit, I do care what people think about me. I am not a mind reader but I know they think I have no ambition, am lazy or a loser. However this is what I need to do to make a good amount of money and have the sort of schedule I need and I know it won't be forever. But as I said before, because I do care what people think, it's been hard for me to admit that I have to do this.

Tonight an actor friend of ours from NYC is coming over and I think it'll be good to catch up. I do have fond memories of the shows and projects I worked on. I do miss it and am very nostalgic for it.

I'm remaining hopeful and positive. I refuse to ever let myself sink so low that I can't get out of bed in the morning. I truly believe there is a purpose for all this... what the hell that purpose is right now, I have no idea. It sucks. I will go ahead and say it but what can I do but keep living each day and making it the best that it can be?