Yesterday was an incredibly frustrating day filled with anxiety and stress. I think a full week of work, being stuck in traffic when I commuted to and from work, and not doing anything acting-related took a toll on me. I'm in a much better place today thanks to a decent night's sleep and lunch with a writer friend from NYC. As corny as it sound, I think the Universe does listen to you. Getting up every weekday at 7am to go to work was starting to depress me because I felt like I was straying away from who I am and what I want to do, which is to act, improv, write, make people laugh... And then all of a sudden someone we worked with in NYC blows into town and lo and behold next weekend Manny and I are shooting a sketch that is crap in your pants funny! It's not going to be professionally shot and edited and we're not trying to get famous with it ... all that matters is we're doing something!

A lot of the "young" people I work with went to grad. school and have an MBA or Masters in Social Work or Urban Planning and sometimes I don't feel as smart or accomplished as them but I have to remind myself that I took a different road in my twenties and I'm still on a different road. At this point, I do not want to go to grad. school. But at the same time, I want a career job that satisifies me but doesn't have me working 80 hours a week or stresses me out on a regular basis because I still want time to do my acting. I don't want to be an Office Manager forever. It's really a thankless job, though I'm still thankful I have it and am making some dough.

Anyway, when I have a really bad day like yesterday it's usually rock bottom and then I come back up. I'm doing better today... got a load of laundry going and have two more and then I plan to watch all of my DVRed cooking shows and eat some popcorn!

As I proofread this post, I realize that my writing kind of sucks which is why I  need to keep up with this blog because hopefully it will help with that!

Today is a Thanksgiving of many Firsts. This is our first Thanksgiving being away from both of our families. This is our first Thanksgiving in LA. And lastly, this is the first Thanksgiving where I made all of the food. We ate early. 3pm. =) But we have leftovers which we will munch on later. There is still pie to be eaten and a carton of Coconut Milk Chocolate Peanut Butter Swirl ice cream. I wanted to do a Vegan Thanksgiving. I guess you could say it was except for the salmon I made but Manny really likes fish and I got wild-caught, sustainable salmon which is natural and does not ruin the eco-system. Plus he just got a job so I think he deserved to be pampered a little. The best thing I made was the mushroom gravy. I sauteed crimini mushrooms with a shallot until it carmelized a little. Then I added some chickpea flour, soy butter and nutritional yeast to make a roux of sorts. Lastly I added vegetable stock and seasoned it with a little salt, pepper and paprika. I let the gravy cook down to proper consistency and then it was ready! I will have to make it again because I think it'd be delicious with biscuits and/or lentil loaf.

I get annoyed with following recipes. So my method of cooking is very similar to my method for acting. In acting, I do the research and get my lines down. When it is time to act, I stop thinking and trust that the work I did will give me the freedom to be creative and real. In cooking, I watch a lot of cooking shows, peruse my "How to Cook Everything Vegetarian" bible, make sure I have the general ingredients and then let myself loosely experiment. I am glad to be here in LA. There are still aspects of life here that are difficult but I truly believe with time and work, we will be in a good place. I am full. Onaka ippai! (what I would say at my old job.) But I think some Chocolate Peanutbutter Swirl ice cream is in order. HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

I have not been doing well with NaNoWriMo. =( However, I have a good excuse for this week! I'm auditioning for  UCB Sketch team later today so I have been working on 3 minutes of comedic material to do... so I had to put my creative energy elsewhere.

I turned 30. I'm 30! I didn't really plan anything and it's not like I expected to feel a huge shift in my life but I'm pretty proud of myself because I wanted to move back to California, get into shape and not work in a restaurant before 30... and I did it! Living in LA has been tough and there's still much work to be done in terms of getting into shape but I'm glad those goals have momentum behind them so I'm starting my 30's doing what I want to be doing. I'm still not sure where acting fits into my life but for the time being, I want to keep doing it whenever I get the chance and I want to keep growing as an artist. It's such a cliche but it's very much true.

Work is taking up all of my time and for the most part I like it. It's good to keep busy. But I get home and I can't stand to turn the computer on because I'm staring at one all day at work. It's a miracle I'm even on it right now, writing this blog. I'm reading a collection of short stories by Murakami... is that how you spell his name? Anyway, he writes about the difference between writing a novel and writing a short story in the intro. He prefers the latter. I found this inspiring because I'm always having a hard time finishing anything I write and so maybe the short story format is a good way to go... less pressure. And Jen sent me this: http://www.nanowrimo.org/

Perfect timing! Besides going to work, I've mostly just been eating and watching my DVRed shows during the week and on the weekends I just read and do yoga. It's nice... but there's that part of me that makes me feel like I need to start being more ambitious... how or what I don't know. Maybe it's okay to live and breathe in the moment and not be shooting for something. I don't know and I'm starting to be okay with not knowing. Anyway, off to bed. I'm pooped.

I think I like my new job. Everyone is nice. The hard part is everyone wanting to hear about my life in NYC and the acting. I understand that they are curious. I'm not ashamed of the last 8 years of my life but I'm not really wanting to talk about it with people I just met. Anyway, I just want to enjoy the moment. That's my life philosophy right now.  But isn't that what you're supposed to do in life anyway? I have questions about my future. Am I going to work for this non-profit forever? Am I going to go to Grad. School? If I go to Grad. School what will I study? Am I going to stop acting forever?

I had my second class show yesterday. I wasn't as relaxed as I was in the first one but Manny said he thought this show was even better so that's good to know. I'm a little sad because I'm not sure when the next time I'm going to get to do some improv. is now that this class is over. Everyone in my class auditioned for a Harold team at UCB this week. I didn't do it because I didn't feel ready. But what does "ready" even mean? I guess I was too scared. I admit it. Anyway, I'm still hoping to put together a practice group and hopefully we can start performing and officially be a team. Improv. is in my blood. It's such a nerd activity which is probably why I like it.

I'm still working at the yoga studio Saturday mornings... a little extra money and free, unlimited yoga. Granted I have to wake up at 6am on Saturdays, I think the pros outweight the cons. The guy that leads the AA yoga thanked me for having the donation envelope and the candles ready for him everytime he comes in. He said no one ever did that for his meetings. I told him that I wanted to do whatever I could to make things easier and I meant it. Sometimes I think of working in counseling or social work or something like that. My non-profit provides those kinds of social services... but that would mean I have to go back to school and I'm not ready to make that kind of committment. And I'm really sensitive and a lot of times things affect me more deeply and strongly than other people. It kind of sucks.

The new job seems good. Training was a little overwhelming and I had to meet so many people. Everyone was curious about me. They heard I was Theresa's friend and that I also lived in NYC. Then people would ask me why I lived there so I said I used to be an actor. Then they asked why I moved to LA and I just said it was for my boyfriend's acting career. Then the girl training me asked me if I liked to eat because I'm really skinny. I was offended because honestly I eat like a truckdriver so if I'm skinny it's just genetics (I know. I feel bad when I say that because people hate me for it but I also had to endure being called "boner" in 8th grade because I was "bony" so I deserve to eat what I want and not get fat.) And besides, she doesn't know me so who cares what she thinks. But I know that when she finds out I don't eat meat she's going to say some shit because everyone does.  Me being an actor and a vegetarian seems to confuse people in general. They just don't know what to make of me.

I started getting sad on the bus ride home because I wondered if this was it for me. Am I going to keep working at this place for years to come? Manny keeps telling me to make a plan now that I finally have some sort of stability with the job and what not. But right now my only plan is to do well at this job. I can't think too much ahead.

I had my first UCB class show today. My cousin, her husband, Manny and 2 friends came. I felt loved. =) And they all said I was really funny so that felt good. It took awhile for me to get my improv. mojo going because transitioning to LA was stressing me out and I was thrown off by the fact that my class is 13 men and 2 women.  I'm very happy with how the show turned out. I felt so relaxed onstage and I didn't feel like I had to force anything. It's a great feeling. And one of the guys in class actually patted me on the back and said I was great afterwards. Most importantly, I performed in LA for the first time!

So what's the plan right now? I guess it's kind of broad. Basically I want to do everything that makes me happy and I'd like to really make LA my home (save some money, decorate my apartment, make friends etc.). The rest will come! (This is the pep talk I have to give myself when I get an anxiety attack.) Wow. I just read through the above paragraphs. One minute I'm freaking out and the next I'm feeling good...

I walked down Melrose Ave. today and it was wonderful. The weather was perfect and I just perused all the funky shops down there. I also remembered how the last time I walked there I was handing out my resume to restaurants and I really felt like I had reached rock bottom. I want to appreciate everything and I never want to be ungrateful or complain about anything ever again.

I go into the office tomorrow for a little training. I'm nervous because with any job it takes awhile to learn all the little things that are specific to that job and to get to know the people you work with. I guess I also feel nervous because this job means a lot to me and I want to do a great job and not have them regret hiring me. When I went in for the interview I was worried about some of the gaps in my resume. The gaps were when I was temping, waiting tables or doing some other random job while I was acting. But I'm glad they saw that the 3 years of actual work experience I did have was good. I feel like everyone at the office will think I'm 23 because I think this job is for someone fresh out of school, but at the same time, I think I'll do a much better job now at age 29 than if I were to do the job when I was 23.

It rained a lot yesterday and my apartment is a little chilly today. This makes me miss NYC so much. Autumn in the city can't be beat. If I was there I'd be wearing boots and a cuddly sweater but here I have on a T-shirt and my flats with no socks. But when there's a blizzard over there, I'm sure I will be happy walking the streets of LA without even a coat on.