Patience is really useful at a time like this. I am rushing to be settled and have it all figured out. It puts a lot of pressure on myself and stresses me out. Thing are moving slowly but I guess the point is that they are moving. I had a rough morning but I let myself cry and feel whatever needed to be felt. Then I was able to pick myself up and go about my business and go to work. I had some nice conversation with a teacher at the studio and a fellow student. They're both a little older and are musicians. A part of me ran away from acting because the artist's lifestyle scares me. I need stability and I need to know where my next paycheck is coming from. But both of them are in their 30's and 40's and they seem pretty content to be where they are so maybe if I learn to let go, I can live this life. Moving here was such a shock for me that it threw everything out of line. I lost who I was and what I wanted. I lost perspective. But maybe a shake-up is necessary for me to see if maybe there's another path in this life I'm supposed to take. Or maybe this shake-up is to help reaffirm that I'm on the right path. I didn't grow up poor but it scares me to not be able to pay my rent and be comfortable. I don't know why that scares me because it hasn't happened and I haven't been close to it happening. Maybe hearing all this stuff about a bad economy and social security running out has infiltrated my psyche. I don't know. Anyway, I'm almost off of work and I can't wait to get home, eat dinner and spend some time with Manny and the cats. When it's all said and done, I'm glad I have a place to call home. Here's hoping that tomorrow is a good day because I can't take another day starting with tears.

I've spent many years trying to fit in when I should've just embraced who I was. But I also spent a lot of years somewhat embracing me (my time in NYC) and then wishing I fit in more. Now I'm kind of just floating... it's an awful feeling. One of my co-workers writes, produces and acts in her own projects. She doesn't have a lot of money and she's one of the most grounded, together people I've ever met. She's only a little older than me but I see how she lives her life and she inspires me. She credits yoga and meditation for helping her to get to a good place. Right now living in LA and making such little money at my job doesn't feel like it has a purpose so I'm not enjoying it. The purpose was supposed to be to pursue acting professionally but I don't have that fire in me anymore. I don't know if it's temporary or if it's one of those things that will come back to me 10 years from now. I don't want to use the economy as an excuse but after getting through to some temping/employment agencies, it's clear that the prospect of me getting a simple administrative assistant job will be tough. I've been thinking about getting into transcription. Manny used to work with transcribers at his old job so he's been able to offer me some advice about how to break into it. I've been practicing increasing my typing speed to 90wpm with no errors and I'm going to start putting on some movies and getting used to listening and typing. This blog is good for me to write down my plans because by putting it out there for everyone (haha... all TWO of you) to read, it holds me accountable. I don't know how much I'd make as a transcriber but as long as I can pay for all my necessities, treat myself to dinner occasionally and put a little away so we can make a trip to NYC for the holidays, I'll be a happy girl. It'd be nice to work from home. I really like my apartment. It's spacious and airy with plenty of natural light. I also really like the smooth hardwood floors. All I really want to do these days is yoga, improv. and to write... and when I say write I mean what I do on my blog... to let everything out... to acknowledge all these thoughts and feelings I have.

Today we drove to the UCB theatre in Hollywood. I wasn't paying attention and I missed a turn which lead me up a long, windy road past Mulholland Drive! I start panicking and Manny had to calm me down. I'm still not used to driving and I honestly avoid it at all costs. But come Thursday, I will have to drive 7 hours to visit my family. Driving is so easy for most people. It's hard for me to talk about my struggles with it because it makes me feel embarassed and like I failed at something I should have learned when I was 16. I hate driving with someone in the car that's not Manny because I almost always drive worse and then get flustered. Anyway, I guess I can thank LA for forcing me to face this fear head on.

Thanks for the comment Jen! Yes. It's true. I really have no idea what people are thinking and I really shouldn't be wasting my time thinking about it. I try not to think of the economy these days because it'll only depress me and make things feel even more impossible. The hard part is that I'm still wrestling with the idea of starting another career that isn't acting. I don't know where to begin. I have new ideas of what I can do everyday that it overwhelms me. I need to make a decision and then go for it. It's the decision part that's hard... Manny is in a different boat than me. He knows exactly what he wants to do, he just needs to get a job to get the ball rolling. Anyway, I worked at the yoga studio this weekend so today I cleaned the apartment from top to bottom, did laundry and did a little cooking. I'm going to do some more yoga and then head to an improv. show tonight at UCB. A day like today would be perfect... but again... all those worries are still in the back of my mind... but I look forward to the day when they're gone. We're planning to go to visit my family for a little bit. I'm going to have to do the 7 hour drive again... I remember how scary it was the first time so this being my second time... I hope I can kind of enjoy it because roadtrips are kind of fun!

I start work at 6:45am on Saturdays. I love it. Walking down the streets of LA with barely any cars on the road is so peaceful. I open the studio for 11th Step yoga which is for people in AA. It's amazing to see these people come in week after week with the desire to better their lives. Today an older man came out in the middle of class and started sobbing. I didn't feel uncomfortable or awkward. More than anything I wanted to ask him if he was okay. But I left him alone and continued working. People are so disconnected from each other these days. I wish we'd all realize that we're in this together. 

And this really sweet woman who comes here all the time offered me her Whole Foods sandwich because she couldn't eat the whole thing. I took it and then realized it had meat... but I didn't want to be rude and she was being so kind. As much as I want to have my life stuff figured out, I'm grateful that I get to work at a decent job and do as much yoga as I want. 

After a pretty good improv. class yesterday, I was walking home and found a really nice desk in almost perfect shape on the side of the street! It was too heavy so I immediately ran home and waited for Manny to get home so we could take the car and load it in the back. And now I am typing on my laptop which is on top of this awesome desk! Yay. I still can't believe we haven't bought a single piece of furniture yet thanks to the generosity of the neighborhood.

I'm thinking I need focus. I've been all over the place with the job search, figuring out what to do with my life, acting, wanting to write and feeling like I'm not good enough, personal issues... Razor sharp focus! But if anything, I think everyday I get a little bit better in that sense.

Manny and I made friends with this beauitful orange cat on our street named Demetrius. Every time I see him when I go outside, he makes me smile. He's so affectionate and sweet. I'm glad I have cats in my life.

I'm writing this entry so I can remember exactly how awful I felt today. I know that sounds like such a downer but I'm doing this because I truly believe things will workout and in a few months we'll be happy because in life that's all that really matters, happiness. I walked down Melrose Ave. with a stack of server resumes. I was having flashbacks to when I had to do this at age 22 but it was the Upper Westside. I started crying but I made myself stop. It's amazing how a job that earns money is what society uses to define a person? I remember when I worked at Kajitsu and the manager would tell me so-and-so was some photographer and then that guy was a fucking douche and self-absorbed.. But because he's a successful photographer he should be respected and treated well?  I really only waited tables for a collective 3 years in my 20's but sometimes it feels like 10 years. I refuse to let the position I'm in define who I am as a person. It's been tough lately to believe in myself and know that I am capable of doing great things but at this point if I don't believe in myself, who will? What did I expect by leaving literally everything behind and coming here? I guess I feel like I paid my dues in NYC. I suffered, worked, survived... and I have to do it all over again in LA?! What?! But this time I am older and wiser. This time I am not alone. This time, I know what I want out of life. So if I look at all that, how can I fail? Walking down Melrose today, I felt like I failed... failed at the job search, failed at life... FAILED AT LIFE. Dear God. What does that even mean? Is that what a homeless person is? Someone who failed at life?