Yesterday was quite a day. I had an interview for a job I want so bad... so, so bad. I don't even want to talk about it because it gives me anxiety so I'll leave it at that for now. I had my improv. class and it was awesome. I am definitely getting my comfort on stage back. I initiated a scene about "sensual basket weaving" and it was a real crowd pleaser... I'm in a class full of dudes yet for some reason I feel like I come up with the dirtiest stuff but when I do, they love it and jump on the bandwagon without hesitation. Haha! I've been feeling weird this week... a little good, a little bad, a little happy, a little sad... all over the place. We finally have a bed and let me just say that it is amazing... simply amazing. I saw my cousin today and we had lunch at a yummy gastropub. I don't go out to eat that much these days so when I do it's a real treat. I miss my family and I just can't wait until Thanksgiving to see them! I'm hoping we are in an even better place so we can enjoy the holiday. It was fun going to Connecticut for my cousin's wedding in July but the whole time I was still slightly stressed and down so I couldn't fully enjoy myself... though we did do lots of eating, drinking, dancing and karaoke. I actually drank so much I puked for like the first time in years... and it was kind of awesome. Gross, I know. Anyway, sending positive vibes out into the universe for Manny and I!

I had an amazing time at home. It was so great to see my mom, brother and sister-in-law. It still feels weird to say "sister-in-law" but I like it. I have another family member! She is staying with my mom until the end of December when my brother should finish the last of his training and then will be stationed somewhere. I am hoping it's Seattle so I can visit! My sister-in-law brought her dog Mei-Mei from Taiwan and the dog is so darling. I think it'll be good for my mom to have a dog staying with her for a few months. My mom's home is so comfy and makes me feel safe and loved. It was hard leaving early Monday morning to drive back to LA. I'm still sad because I miss my family so much but this motivates me to work harder and to get to a good place so they won't worry about me. Although things are at times rough here, I am beyond grateful that my mom is a 6 hour drive away. She gave me a bunch of house stuff that she had sitting around the garage and random closets in the house. It was all nice stuff too! So glad that I could fill up my sadly empty apartment with stuff and that I could help de-clutter my mom's house.

My extended family is generally no-drama. However, Saturday I had to deal with 2 relatives in a not fun way. The first was my cousin just straight up being rude. She didn't know that Manny and I moved to LA. Then when she asked us what for, we told her. She then proceeded to say, "Well usually when you move somewhere, you find a job first. For example, if I wanted to move to NYC, I might apply for jobs in that area, fly there for the interview and then after I am hired, the company would pay for my move. That's usually how it works." So I told her that unfortunately it does not work that way for actors. I left it at that. I didn't want to call her out on her rudeness. I was so angry and then a part of me started feeling like she was right! And then those feelings started eating away at me but then I was able to remind myself not to take things personally so I talked myself down and was able to enjoy the rest of the evening. Then my aunt pulled me aside and asked if I needed anything because she had some extra house stuff which was nice of her but then she said maybe I'd consider moving back home to Folsom or to the Bay Area to be closer to my mom. I told her that because of the things I am pursuing, LA is where I need to be at the present time. Then she started telling me to get in touch with so and so because they might know someone who could do "this" or "that" for me. So I just nodded and let it go again. They have no idea what I do or who I am. I don't judge their lives and if I were to be a bitch, I could easily say something about my cousin's life but I don't. I honestly don't even think about her life because it's none of my business and even if I did think about it, it would be because I am genuinely interested and want to know more about it because she's my family after all.

So we got a bed today thanks to Manny's sister. Sigh. I feel guilt, extreme guilt. I am writing her a check the minute I get some gainful employment.

I've been watching a lot of TV shows and movies because we have DVR. It's nice because I fast-forward through the commercials and I only record stuff that I think is great. This keeps me from just turning the TV on and watching crap for hours at a time.

I would love to be exploring LA more but I don't have the heart for it right now. Activities like watching tv, reading, yoga and neighborhood walks are "safe" activities for me. I'm not ready to leave my comfort zone. I'm going inward these days as opposed to NYC where I was running around, out and about all the time. It's weird how my life is the complete opposite of what it was 5 months ago. But that's life I guess.

A guy from my improv. group in NYC had some sad news today. Him and his wife lost their baby. It was such awful news and made me realize what's important and that life is so precious.

We're not leaving to visit my family until tomorrow. I'm a little bummed because it's one less day I get to spend with them but Manny got an interview so at this point we have to do whatever it takes for both of us to be fully employed. Today has been a weird day. I've been writing, reading, trying to figure things out. I don't know how to approach things in general these days. Should I simply let go and go with the flow or should I figure out exactly what I want and then focus on it like a laser? I would say the solution is the in-between but I haven't figured out how to do that either. I thought about grad. school for awhile and found a program that was of interest at Pepperdine but for the time being, I'm going to shelve that idea. I'm not ready for that committment and to go back to school. UCLA has some extension courses and although they are pricey I think it'd be nice to take one of the courses and stretch my brain a little bit without putting too much pressure on myself.

Last night we treated ourselves to Chinese food and it was nice. We actually sat and ate at our dining table. It felt strange because in NYC Manny and I had opposite schedules so I got used to eating alone... we also didn't have a dining table so if we did eat together it was usually on the couch in front of the TV... which is bad... and we did that for 4 years!

Before dinner we did our usual walk around the neighborhood and I saw a guy stretching his quads and as we got closer to him... I realized I knew him! He was in my 301 class last year at UCB NY and we actually got along really well. We've been living down the street from each other for the last 3 months! But he told me he was sadly moving on Sunday and staying at his mom's outside of LA because his roommate is unstable... anyway, we're going to meet up for lunch next week and it made me so happy to see a familiar face. What's funny is that when we take walks around our neighborhood, they're always at random times and we always take a different route... what if we hard gone down a different street? or what if we had left a little earlier or later? I might not have run into this guy! On our walk last night we also met Demetrius' owner who was so nice and we had a conversation with him about cats being indoor/outdoor. I love meeting cat lovers. I'm kind of shy when I first meet people but if it's about cats, it's easy for me to open up and engage in conversation.

Everyday feels so long and drawn out and I feel like I'm not accomplishing anything. But when I write about my days on this blog, I realize that things did happen and I'm not stagnant... patience, patience, patience! Grrr... so hard... damn you New York City for making me like this!

Improv. class yesterday was interesting. We had mid-class evaluations and my teacher basically told me that I have my shit down but I play very low energy onstage... this upset me because usually when I do improv, I jump out and I'm nuts. I'm not shy. I'm not polite. I'm completely ON. So I realized that I've been bringing my personal issues to my improv. and that is very, very bad. So the teacher asked me to choose an action for my character and initiate a scene with my partner. The one word suggestion was "glass" so I started pouring myself shots and downing them... the scene lead to me playing a 19 year old girl getting smashed because she thinks she's too old. My teacher loved it. So I have 3 more classes and 2 shows to prove to the teacher that I have what it takes to get to the advanced level... eeeek! Also, my teacher is in charge of the UCB Diversity scholarships so if I want to keep getting the scholarship I better impress him! It's a lot of pressure but I know I can bring back that confident performer that I used to be. As one of my super hero yoga teachers says, "You always have a choice." So I am choosing to check my baggage at the door when it comes to my improv.

I am missing NYC so much today. I miss eating lunch in the East Village by myself. I miss grabbing a coffee and sitting outside people watching. I miss the Indian spice store I used to go to. I miss cheap but delicious falafel. I miss reading on the long train ride home after work. I miss going to the UCB training center and seeing familiar faces. I miss going to the UCB theatre and seeing more familiar faces. I miss my Astoria vegetable stand with the big, fat, white cat. I miss ordering cheap Chinese food from Golden Dragon with Manny. I love my current yoga studio but I still miss my old studio. I even miss my old job where everyone I worked with was a friend at at the end of the night I got to eat a delicious, vegan Japanese meal. But life is always changing and I want to embrace my new life here. It's unfolding ever so slowly but that's where I have to exercise patience. Soon I'll find my niche and have a good routine going. This job search is getting so frustrating. I feel so stuck, unbelieveably, horribly stuck. If only my yoga studio job paid twice as much, then I wouldn't have to do something else.

Patience is really useful at a time like this. I am rushing to be settled and have it all figured out. It puts a lot of pressure on myself and stresses me out. Thing are moving slowly but I guess the point is that they are moving. I had a rough morning but I let myself cry and feel whatever needed to be felt. Then I was able to pick myself up and go about my business and go to work. I had some nice conversation with a teacher at the studio and a fellow student. They're both a little older and are musicians. A part of me ran away from acting because the artist's lifestyle scares me. I need stability and I need to know where my next paycheck is coming from. But both of them are in their 30's and 40's and they seem pretty content to be where they are so maybe if I learn to let go, I can live this life. Moving here was such a shock for me that it threw everything out of line. I lost who I was and what I wanted. I lost perspective. But maybe a shake-up is necessary for me to see if maybe there's another path in this life I'm supposed to take. Or maybe this shake-up is to help reaffirm that I'm on the right path. I didn't grow up poor but it scares me to not be able to pay my rent and be comfortable. I don't know why that scares me because it hasn't happened and I haven't been close to it happening. Maybe hearing all this stuff about a bad economy and social security running out has infiltrated my psyche. I don't know. Anyway, I'm almost off of work and I can't wait to get home, eat dinner and spend some time with Manny and the cats. When it's all said and done, I'm glad I have a place to call home. Here's hoping that tomorrow is a good day because I can't take another day starting with tears.

I've spent many years trying to fit in when I should've just embraced who I was. But I also spent a lot of years somewhat embracing me (my time in NYC) and then wishing I fit in more. Now I'm kind of just floating... it's an awful feeling. One of my co-workers writes, produces and acts in her own projects. She doesn't have a lot of money and she's one of the most grounded, together people I've ever met. She's only a little older than me but I see how she lives her life and she inspires me. She credits yoga and meditation for helping her to get to a good place. Right now living in LA and making such little money at my job doesn't feel like it has a purpose so I'm not enjoying it. The purpose was supposed to be to pursue acting professionally but I don't have that fire in me anymore. I don't know if it's temporary or if it's one of those things that will come back to me 10 years from now. I don't want to use the economy as an excuse but after getting through to some temping/employment agencies, it's clear that the prospect of me getting a simple administrative assistant job will be tough. I've been thinking about getting into transcription. Manny used to work with transcribers at his old job so he's been able to offer me some advice about how to break into it. I've been practicing increasing my typing speed to 90wpm with no errors and I'm going to start putting on some movies and getting used to listening and typing. This blog is good for me to write down my plans because by putting it out there for everyone (haha... all TWO of you) to read, it holds me accountable. I don't know how much I'd make as a transcriber but as long as I can pay for all my necessities, treat myself to dinner occasionally and put a little away so we can make a trip to NYC for the holidays, I'll be a happy girl. It'd be nice to work from home. I really like my apartment. It's spacious and airy with plenty of natural light. I also really like the smooth hardwood floors. All I really want to do these days is yoga, improv. and to write... and when I say write I mean what I do on my blog... to let everything out... to acknowledge all these thoughts and feelings I have.

Today we drove to the UCB theatre in Hollywood. I wasn't paying attention and I missed a turn which lead me up a long, windy road past Mulholland Drive! I start panicking and Manny had to calm me down. I'm still not used to driving and I honestly avoid it at all costs. But come Thursday, I will have to drive 7 hours to visit my family. Driving is so easy for most people. It's hard for me to talk about my struggles with it because it makes me feel embarassed and like I failed at something I should have learned when I was 16. I hate driving with someone in the car that's not Manny because I almost always drive worse and then get flustered. Anyway, I guess I can thank LA for forcing me to face this fear head on.

Thanks for the comment Jen! Yes. It's true. I really have no idea what people are thinking and I really shouldn't be wasting my time thinking about it. I try not to think of the economy these days because it'll only depress me and make things feel even more impossible. The hard part is that I'm still wrestling with the idea of starting another career that isn't acting. I don't know where to begin. I have new ideas of what I can do everyday that it overwhelms me. I need to make a decision and then go for it. It's the decision part that's hard... Manny is in a different boat than me. He knows exactly what he wants to do, he just needs to get a job to get the ball rolling. Anyway, I worked at the yoga studio this weekend so today I cleaned the apartment from top to bottom, did laundry and did a little cooking. I'm going to do some more yoga and then head to an improv. show tonight at UCB. A day like today would be perfect... but again... all those worries are still in the back of my mind... but I look forward to the day when they're gone. We're planning to go to visit my family for a little bit. I'm going to have to do the 7 hour drive again... I remember how scary it was the first time so this being my second time... I hope I can kind of enjoy it because roadtrips are kind of fun!

I start work at 6:45am on Saturdays. I love it. Walking down the streets of LA with barely any cars on the road is so peaceful. I open the studio for 11th Step yoga which is for people in AA. It's amazing to see these people come in week after week with the desire to better their lives. Today an older man came out in the middle of class and started sobbing. I didn't feel uncomfortable or awkward. More than anything I wanted to ask him if he was okay. But I left him alone and continued working. People are so disconnected from each other these days. I wish we'd all realize that we're in this together. 

And this really sweet woman who comes here all the time offered me her Whole Foods sandwich because she couldn't eat the whole thing. I took it and then realized it had meat... but I didn't want to be rude and she was being so kind. As much as I want to have my life stuff figured out, I'm grateful that I get to work at a decent job and do as much yoga as I want. 

After a pretty good improv. class yesterday, I was walking home and found a really nice desk in almost perfect shape on the side of the street! It was too heavy so I immediately ran home and waited for Manny to get home so we could take the car and load it in the back. And now I am typing on my laptop which is on top of this awesome desk! Yay. I still can't believe we haven't bought a single piece of furniture yet thanks to the generosity of the neighborhood.

I'm thinking I need focus. I've been all over the place with the job search, figuring out what to do with my life, acting, wanting to write and feeling like I'm not good enough, personal issues... Razor sharp focus! But if anything, I think everyday I get a little bit better in that sense.

Manny and I made friends with this beauitful orange cat on our street named Demetrius. Every time I see him when I go outside, he makes me smile. He's so affectionate and sweet. I'm glad I have cats in my life.

I'm writing this entry so I can remember exactly how awful I felt today. I know that sounds like such a downer but I'm doing this because I truly believe things will workout and in a few months we'll be happy because in life that's all that really matters, happiness. I walked down Melrose Ave. with a stack of server resumes. I was having flashbacks to when I had to do this at age 22 but it was the Upper Westside. I started crying but I made myself stop. It's amazing how a job that earns money is what society uses to define a person? I remember when I worked at Kajitsu and the manager would tell me so-and-so was some photographer and then that guy was a fucking douche and self-absorbed.. But because he's a successful photographer he should be respected and treated well?  I really only waited tables for a collective 3 years in my 20's but sometimes it feels like 10 years. I refuse to let the position I'm in define who I am as a person. It's been tough lately to believe in myself and know that I am capable of doing great things but at this point if I don't believe in myself, who will? What did I expect by leaving literally everything behind and coming here? I guess I feel like I paid my dues in NYC. I suffered, worked, survived... and I have to do it all over again in LA?! What?! But this time I am older and wiser. This time I am not alone. This time, I know what I want out of life. So if I look at all that, how can I fail? Walking down Melrose today, I felt like I failed... failed at the job search, failed at life... FAILED AT LIFE. Dear God. What does that even mean? Is that what a homeless person is? Someone who failed at life?

I'm feeling kind of excited today. I have this idea of what I want my life to be like in the near future. I have an idea of how I make money and how I can express all these ideas I've had floating around in my head for the last few years. Sadly the two are separate at the moment so the job I'd do to make money wouldn't be fulfilling but it'd allow me to do the latter. I've been letting myself day-dream and visualize what I want in detail. I know whatever happens won't be exactly the same but it really gives me hope and gets me out of bed in the morning, so why not.

Our friend who came to visit us on Friday night was someone who we've worked together on some projects back in NYC. Manny worked with her as an actor and I worked with her at the Asian American Film Lab when we were both workshopping new works. She's an amazing writer in addition to being an amazing actor. She asked if Manny and I would be the leads in her short film. This made me so excited!!! And I realize that I want to create and if it doesn't take my career anywhere and doesn't make me any money, I don't care. So at this moment, I am content to walk away from pursuing acting as a profession. I know I never thought of writing as a viable career option for me because (a) I don't do it that much and (b) I never thought I was that great at it but I think because I have a lot of free time these days I'm going to let myself give it a shot (besides this blog of course). I got a lot of positive feedback from a short play I wrote awhile ago which surprised me because I didn't even know how to write a play but the ideas I had in the play were honest, true and raw which is all that really matters to me.

This is a nice, quiet Sunday. It'd be almost perfect if Manny and I weren't worried about jobs in the back of our minds...

And I didn't even acknowledge 9/11. If anything, I am happy I am alive and the ones that I love are here with me. I am grateful for that.

I've been collecting quotes lately that inspire me or give me a new perspective on where I am in life right now. This one rings true to me at the moment:

"It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It's not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can be a catalyst for profound re-invention" - Conan O'Brien

I heard this in his speech to the graduating class at Dartmouth. It almost made me cry. I think when a person is young, they have this idea of how they are going to be as an adult which for me was age 30. Because I'm turning 30 in less than 2 months, I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself to have it all figured out. But does anybody ever have it all figured out? I'm starting to understand that life really is about the journey. It's been a hard lesson to learn because for some reason I always thought by the time I hit 30 I would have accomplished everything and then that's it... I could coast through life. It's such a silly idea now that I think about it. For example, if you always wanted to have 2 kids by 30 it doesn't end there because you still have to raise those kids. If you wanted to be a millionaire by 30 then, you probably still have to keep working to keep up that lifestyle.

I am slowly figuring out what I want my next move to be. Everything feels like it's moving way too slow and both Manny and I are really struggling. A lot of our energy is used to keep our spirits up. If anything, I'm pretty proud of us for not throwing in the towel right now. The task at hand right now is for us both to get jobs. I've had a hard time accepting the fact that I need to wait tables again while I figure out/work towards that next step. I respect waiting tables as a profession. It's not as easy as it looks and most people do it because they are in school, pursuing acting/music/writing etc. or are in a transition phase (myself!). Many people who are close to me make snide comments when I waited tables in NYC and as much as I don't want to admit, I do care what people think about me. I am not a mind reader but I know they think I have no ambition, am lazy or a loser. However this is what I need to do to make a good amount of money and have the sort of schedule I need and I know it won't be forever. But as I said before, because I do care what people think, it's been hard for me to admit that I have to do this.

Tonight an actor friend of ours from NYC is coming over and I think it'll be good to catch up. I do have fond memories of the shows and projects I worked on. I do miss it and am very nostalgic for it.

I'm remaining hopeful and positive. I refuse to ever let myself sink so low that I can't get out of bed in the morning. I truly believe there is a purpose for all this... what the hell that purpose is right now, I have no idea. It sucks. I will go ahead and say it but what can I do but keep living each day and making it the best that it can be?

Today was a rough day but I'm safe at home now and I can't wait to shower and get into bed with a good book and maybe if my cats are in a loving mood, one of them will come cuddle with me. It's the small things these days that can lift my spirits. I went to a yoga class this morning and the minute I got to the studio, my co-worker proceeded to tell me there was an attempted robbery the night before. Apparently someone hid in our building and then made a hole through a wall to get to the jewelry store in the building connected to ours. This is incredibly disturbing because I was the one who locked up the studio last night. So, my yoga class wasn't relaxing like it should have been.

The domino effect is incredibly annoying. I had my improv. class today and I was in such a depressed mood. I wasn't as energetic as I normally am. Usually I jump out every chance I get and I love providing support for my teammates' scenes. Today my improv. reflexes were very slow. I think the teacher noticed and pointed some things out. I'm trying to be more social with improvisers in LA but it's hard because I feel like I'm constantly in a state of depression, worry or anxiety. I try to check the baggage at the door but today I just couldn't seem to do it. Forming an indie team and doing shows is really all about networking. I think as long as you don't suck badly, you should be able to get on a team if you talk to and are nice to the right people.

With that being said, rather than curl up in a ball and cry after class, I made myself eat some dinner and I headed to a weekly improv. show in Hollywood to see my teacher's team perform and get to know some of my classmates better. I'm glad I went. I had some good laughs and interacting with people who have lived in LA for awhile makes me feel like I belong here... whatever that means. I was stressed about finding parking and it took me awhile. Then I was worried I didn't read the signs right and I would get a ticket. I realize now that this is one of those annoying LA things and I will have to accept it and get used to it. This is a running theme in my life right now... accepting things as they are. If you can't change something, you might as well deal with it and perhaps embrace it for what it is. Resistance makes things harder.

Now I am going to wash this day away and head to bed. I'm thinking this is a boring post but that was my day and I felt compelled to document it. Tomorrow will be a good day. I will make sure of it.

I struggle with what I want this blog to be. I have no idea why since nobody reads it. But I guess I like having this out in cyberspace so I can access it whenever I want as long as I have internet. And if someone stumbles up on and reads it, so be it because I don't have any personal information on here.

I recently made a huge life change. I moved across the country with some money saved up but also without anything definite, like a job. I thought I did it for my acting career but the truth is, I haven't wanted to pursue this career for awhile but I didn't want to admit it to myself because it felt like failure, giving up and of course perhaps admitting to myself that I'm just not good enough to hack it. And the worst thought was that I invested the better part of my twenties working at this thing. What the hell do I do now?! These are really awful thoughts that have given me more anxiety and grief than I would ever want in a lifetime. I went through a dark time where I felt so hopeless and spent days crying. However I am lucky because I have my man beside me and as silly as it sounds, my two cats moved across the country with me as well so it's comforting to have them around. I am not alone and I do find comfort in that. At this time in my life, I am literally starting from scratch. Our apartment is a shining example of this. We came here with an air mattress and I guess a tv and laptop computer count as some sort of furniture/household item. We've been lucky and aquired some decent pieces of furniture off the street these last few weeks thanks to generous people (and strangers leaving things on our street!).

I have been fortunate to have a part-time job down the street from me at a yoga studio so I can take as much yoga as I want for free. The problem is the money isn't enough which means I have to look for something else. Being unemployed is a struggle in itself. Being unemployed in a city I don't know, love or feel comfortable in is very daunting. And then throw in the fact that I'm evaluating everything in my life right now and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life career-wise. I'm taking an improv. class right now and starting a team and it makes me realize that I can still do what I love without putting pressure on myself. As I type this out, I realize that I have to stop being so hard on myself. The position I'm in is incredibly difficult. There is also a part of me that feels extreme guilt because I put myself in this situation. I can't help but wonder if I had stayed in NYC would I be happier. But that's the thing... I slowly turned complacent there. I was comfortable but not really content. I am choosing to look at LA as a wake-up call and a chance to start over from scratch and create a life that I am not only comfortable in, but happy and alive in.

I really enjoyed my time in NYC for the most part. I'm glad I did it in my 20's. But now I'm ready for a quieter, serene and more balanced life. As fun and exciting as my life in NYC was, it was also exhausting and drained me emotionally, physically and mentally. But, I can't wait to visit since I'll be vacationing in a city that I know like that back of my hand!

Right now I'm trying to focus on one step at a time, instead of the gigantic mountain range that I have to climb over. It is so incredibly daunting that random moments through the day I want to cry out of frustration and anxiety.

There are positives to this though. I feel that my relationship with my boyfriend is being strengthened through all this. I'm also doing yoga and reading a lot which I could never seem to do regularly in NYC.

Anyway, I think I will now use this blog to talk about this experience of finding myself. I know that's an overused phrase but that's what's really going on here. I know I will look back on this period in my life with pride and as absurd as this sounds, maybe with a bit of nostalgia for everything being so fresh, new and unpredictable.