I struggle with what I want this blog to be. I have no idea why since nobody reads it. But I guess I like having this out in cyberspace so I can access it whenever I want as long as I have internet. And if someone stumbles up on and reads it, so be it because I don't have any personal information on here.

I recently made a huge life change. I moved across the country with some money saved up but also without anything definite, like a job. I thought I did it for my acting career but the truth is, I haven't wanted to pursue this career for awhile but I didn't want to admit it to myself because it felt like failure, giving up and of course perhaps admitting to myself that I'm just not good enough to hack it. And the worst thought was that I invested the better part of my twenties working at this thing. What the hell do I do now?! These are really awful thoughts that have given me more anxiety and grief than I would ever want in a lifetime. I went through a dark time where I felt so hopeless and spent days crying. However I am lucky because I have my man beside me and as silly as it sounds, my two cats moved across the country with me as well so it's comforting to have them around. I am not alone and I do find comfort in that. At this time in my life, I am literally starting from scratch. Our apartment is a shining example of this. We came here with an air mattress and I guess a tv and laptop computer count as some sort of furniture/household item. We've been lucky and aquired some decent pieces of furniture off the street these last few weeks thanks to generous people (and strangers leaving things on our street!).

I have been fortunate to have a part-time job down the street from me at a yoga studio so I can take as much yoga as I want for free. The problem is the money isn't enough which means I have to look for something else. Being unemployed is a struggle in itself. Being unemployed in a city I don't know, love or feel comfortable in is very daunting. And then throw in the fact that I'm evaluating everything in my life right now and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life career-wise. I'm taking an improv. class right now and starting a team and it makes me realize that I can still do what I love without putting pressure on myself. As I type this out, I realize that I have to stop being so hard on myself. The position I'm in is incredibly difficult. There is also a part of me that feels extreme guilt because I put myself in this situation. I can't help but wonder if I had stayed in NYC would I be happier. But that's the thing... I slowly turned complacent there. I was comfortable but not really content. I am choosing to look at LA as a wake-up call and a chance to start over from scratch and create a life that I am not only comfortable in, but happy and alive in.

I really enjoyed my time in NYC for the most part. I'm glad I did it in my 20's. But now I'm ready for a quieter, serene and more balanced life. As fun and exciting as my life in NYC was, it was also exhausting and drained me emotionally, physically and mentally. But, I can't wait to visit since I'll be vacationing in a city that I know like that back of my hand!

Right now I'm trying to focus on one step at a time, instead of the gigantic mountain range that I have to climb over. It is so incredibly daunting that random moments through the day I want to cry out of frustration and anxiety.

There are positives to this though. I feel that my relationship with my boyfriend is being strengthened through all this. I'm also doing yoga and reading a lot which I could never seem to do regularly in NYC.

Anyway, I think I will now use this blog to talk about this experience of finding myself. I know that's an overused phrase but that's what's really going on here. I know I will look back on this period in my life with pride and as absurd as this sounds, maybe with a bit of nostalgia for everything being so fresh, new and unpredictable.