Yesterday was an incredibly frustrating day filled with anxiety and stress. I think a full week of work, being stuck in traffic when I commuted to and from work, and not doing anything acting-related took a toll on me. I'm in a much better place today thanks to a decent night's sleep and lunch with a writer friend from NYC. As corny as it sound, I think the Universe does listen to you. Getting up every weekday at 7am to go to work was starting to depress me because I felt like I was straying away from who I am and what I want to do, which is to act, improv, write, make people laugh... And then all of a sudden someone we worked with in NYC blows into town and lo and behold next weekend Manny and I are shooting a sketch that is crap in your pants funny! It's not going to be professionally shot and edited and we're not trying to get famous with it ... all that matters is we're doing something!

A lot of the "young" people I work with went to grad. school and have an MBA or Masters in Social Work or Urban Planning and sometimes I don't feel as smart or accomplished as them but I have to remind myself that I took a different road in my twenties and I'm still on a different road. At this point, I do not want to go to grad. school. But at the same time, I want a career job that satisifies me but doesn't have me working 80 hours a week or stresses me out on a regular basis because I still want time to do my acting. I don't want to be an Office Manager forever. It's really a thankless job, though I'm still thankful I have it and am making some dough.

Anyway, when I have a really bad day like yesterday it's usually rock bottom and then I come back up. I'm doing better today... got a load of laundry going and have two more and then I plan to watch all of my DVRed cooking shows and eat some popcorn!

As I proofread this post, I realize that my writing kind of sucks which is why I  need to keep up with this blog because hopefully it will help with that!

Today is a Thanksgiving of many Firsts. This is our first Thanksgiving being away from both of our families. This is our first Thanksgiving in LA. And lastly, this is the first Thanksgiving where I made all of the food. We ate early. 3pm. =) But we have leftovers which we will munch on later. There is still pie to be eaten and a carton of Coconut Milk Chocolate Peanut Butter Swirl ice cream. I wanted to do a Vegan Thanksgiving. I guess you could say it was except for the salmon I made but Manny really likes fish and I got wild-caught, sustainable salmon which is natural and does not ruin the eco-system. Plus he just got a job so I think he deserved to be pampered a little. The best thing I made was the mushroom gravy. I sauteed crimini mushrooms with a shallot until it carmelized a little. Then I added some chickpea flour, soy butter and nutritional yeast to make a roux of sorts. Lastly I added vegetable stock and seasoned it with a little salt, pepper and paprika. I let the gravy cook down to proper consistency and then it was ready! I will have to make it again because I think it'd be delicious with biscuits and/or lentil loaf.

I get annoyed with following recipes. So my method of cooking is very similar to my method for acting. In acting, I do the research and get my lines down. When it is time to act, I stop thinking and trust that the work I did will give me the freedom to be creative and real. In cooking, I watch a lot of cooking shows, peruse my "How to Cook Everything Vegetarian" bible, make sure I have the general ingredients and then let myself loosely experiment. I am glad to be here in LA. There are still aspects of life here that are difficult but I truly believe with time and work, we will be in a good place. I am full. Onaka ippai! (what I would say at my old job.) But I think some Chocolate Peanutbutter Swirl ice cream is in order. HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

I have not been doing well with NaNoWriMo. =( However, I have a good excuse for this week! I'm auditioning for  UCB Sketch team later today so I have been working on 3 minutes of comedic material to do... so I had to put my creative energy elsewhere.

I turned 30. I'm 30! I didn't really plan anything and it's not like I expected to feel a huge shift in my life but I'm pretty proud of myself because I wanted to move back to California, get into shape and not work in a restaurant before 30... and I did it! Living in LA has been tough and there's still much work to be done in terms of getting into shape but I'm glad those goals have momentum behind them so I'm starting my 30's doing what I want to be doing. I'm still not sure where acting fits into my life but for the time being, I want to keep doing it whenever I get the chance and I want to keep growing as an artist. It's such a cliche but it's very much true.

Work is taking up all of my time and for the most part I like it. It's good to keep busy. But I get home and I can't stand to turn the computer on because I'm staring at one all day at work. It's a miracle I'm even on it right now, writing this blog. I'm reading a collection of short stories by Murakami... is that how you spell his name? Anyway, he writes about the difference between writing a novel and writing a short story in the intro. He prefers the latter. I found this inspiring because I'm always having a hard time finishing anything I write and so maybe the short story format is a good way to go... less pressure. And Jen sent me this: http://www.nanowrimo.org/

Perfect timing! Besides going to work, I've mostly just been eating and watching my DVRed shows during the week and on the weekends I just read and do yoga. It's nice... but there's that part of me that makes me feel like I need to start being more ambitious... how or what I don't know. Maybe it's okay to live and breathe in the moment and not be shooting for something. I don't know and I'm starting to be okay with not knowing. Anyway, off to bed. I'm pooped.

I think I like my new job. Everyone is nice. The hard part is everyone wanting to hear about my life in NYC and the acting. I understand that they are curious. I'm not ashamed of the last 8 years of my life but I'm not really wanting to talk about it with people I just met. Anyway, I just want to enjoy the moment. That's my life philosophy right now.  But isn't that what you're supposed to do in life anyway? I have questions about my future. Am I going to work for this non-profit forever? Am I going to go to Grad. School? If I go to Grad. School what will I study? Am I going to stop acting forever?

I had my second class show yesterday. I wasn't as relaxed as I was in the first one but Manny said he thought this show was even better so that's good to know. I'm a little sad because I'm not sure when the next time I'm going to get to do some improv. is now that this class is over. Everyone in my class auditioned for a Harold team at UCB this week. I didn't do it because I didn't feel ready. But what does "ready" even mean? I guess I was too scared. I admit it. Anyway, I'm still hoping to put together a practice group and hopefully we can start performing and officially be a team. Improv. is in my blood. It's such a nerd activity which is probably why I like it.

I'm still working at the yoga studio Saturday mornings... a little extra money and free, unlimited yoga. Granted I have to wake up at 6am on Saturdays, I think the pros outweight the cons. The guy that leads the AA yoga thanked me for having the donation envelope and the candles ready for him everytime he comes in. He said no one ever did that for his meetings. I told him that I wanted to do whatever I could to make things easier and I meant it. Sometimes I think of working in counseling or social work or something like that. My non-profit provides those kinds of social services... but that would mean I have to go back to school and I'm not ready to make that kind of committment. And I'm really sensitive and a lot of times things affect me more deeply and strongly than other people. It kind of sucks.

The new job seems good. Training was a little overwhelming and I had to meet so many people. Everyone was curious about me. They heard I was Theresa's friend and that I also lived in NYC. Then people would ask me why I lived there so I said I used to be an actor. Then they asked why I moved to LA and I just said it was for my boyfriend's acting career. Then the girl training me asked me if I liked to eat because I'm really skinny. I was offended because honestly I eat like a truckdriver so if I'm skinny it's just genetics (I know. I feel bad when I say that because people hate me for it but I also had to endure being called "boner" in 8th grade because I was "bony" so I deserve to eat what I want and not get fat.) And besides, she doesn't know me so who cares what she thinks. But I know that when she finds out I don't eat meat she's going to say some shit because everyone does.  Me being an actor and a vegetarian seems to confuse people in general. They just don't know what to make of me.

I started getting sad on the bus ride home because I wondered if this was it for me. Am I going to keep working at this place for years to come? Manny keeps telling me to make a plan now that I finally have some sort of stability with the job and what not. But right now my only plan is to do well at this job. I can't think too much ahead.

I had my first UCB class show today. My cousin, her husband, Manny and 2 friends came. I felt loved. =) And they all said I was really funny so that felt good. It took awhile for me to get my improv. mojo going because transitioning to LA was stressing me out and I was thrown off by the fact that my class is 13 men and 2 women.  I'm very happy with how the show turned out. I felt so relaxed onstage and I didn't feel like I had to force anything. It's a great feeling. And one of the guys in class actually patted me on the back and said I was great afterwards. Most importantly, I performed in LA for the first time!

So what's the plan right now? I guess it's kind of broad. Basically I want to do everything that makes me happy and I'd like to really make LA my home (save some money, decorate my apartment, make friends etc.). The rest will come! (This is the pep talk I have to give myself when I get an anxiety attack.) Wow. I just read through the above paragraphs. One minute I'm freaking out and the next I'm feeling good...

I walked down Melrose Ave. today and it was wonderful. The weather was perfect and I just perused all the funky shops down there. I also remembered how the last time I walked there I was handing out my resume to restaurants and I really felt like I had reached rock bottom. I want to appreciate everything and I never want to be ungrateful or complain about anything ever again.

I go into the office tomorrow for a little training. I'm nervous because with any job it takes awhile to learn all the little things that are specific to that job and to get to know the people you work with. I guess I also feel nervous because this job means a lot to me and I want to do a great job and not have them regret hiring me. When I went in for the interview I was worried about some of the gaps in my resume. The gaps were when I was temping, waiting tables or doing some other random job while I was acting. But I'm glad they saw that the 3 years of actual work experience I did have was good. I feel like everyone at the office will think I'm 23 because I think this job is for someone fresh out of school, but at the same time, I think I'll do a much better job now at age 29 than if I were to do the job when I was 23.

It rained a lot yesterday and my apartment is a little chilly today. This makes me miss NYC so much. Autumn in the city can't be beat. If I was there I'd be wearing boots and a cuddly sweater but here I have on a T-shirt and my flats with no socks. But when there's a blizzard over there, I'm sure I will be happy walking the streets of LA without even a coat on.

I got the job. =) No waiting tables for me! I am now going to work as an office manager for a non-profit that provides social services to the Asian community. The HR woman who interviewed me said there was room for growth within the organization and they like to hire from within. We'll see where this takes me... I am so grateful, so happy to have stability. I was lucky enough to have a friend who forwarded my resume to them. I'm still going to try and stay on at the yoga studio at least for Saturday mornings. It'll just be a little extra money and of course... free yoga. I can't believe I'm a 9-5 person now. I don't know what this means for my acting or my future but at this point it is a happy day.

Then comes the part where I have to get trained and then it'll take some time to get used to a new job, but I'm ready! I am going to get a discounted bus pass and use that instead of driving every day. I think I will save a lot on gas and I'm looking at the bus ride as time to read and write a little.

I received the nice phone call while we were at Target yesterday debating on what dish rack to get. We ended up not getting the dish rack because the better quality one would have cost almost $20... is that normal for a freaking dish rack?! The $10 was so cheaply made I didn't want to buy that one either.

Anyway, we went to the new West Hollywood Library yesterday too. It is beautiful. I am glad my tax dollars are being put to good use. I went to pick-up my copy of "Mockingjay"! I haven't started reading it yet because the minute I do, I won't be able to concentrate on anything else.

I think people are dissatisfied when something in his/her life needs to change. But sometimes people can be dissatsified because they're not being grateful for the great things they do have. How do you tell the difference? I woke up yesterday feeling dissatisfied. I was restless, anxious and not able to do anything without getting incredibly annoyed and pissed. I thought yoga might help so I did a one hour yoga intensive where I sweat buckets and then did an hour and a half of restorative yoga to relax me. Sadly I came home and was still really pissy. And that feeling has carried over into today. I guess rather than try to control it, I should just accept it for what it is. I'm not going to try to analyze it. I am just going to go about my day and try to keep it all under control. Let's see how well that goes...

So I didn't get the UCB Diversity scholarship again. My application was "deferred to a high number of applicants" but I am invited to reapply in December. My first thought was that I was doing crappy in class but I realize that (a) I got the scholarship once already (b) I am in the highest level before the advanced program begins. So I understand that there are new people who've never even taken a class before. I get it. I do. I'm bummed but I'm not taking this personally. I can always keep up with the practice group my class sort of started. Wow. Look how mature I am.

Yesterday was quite a day. I had an interview for a job I want so bad... so, so bad. I don't even want to talk about it because it gives me anxiety so I'll leave it at that for now. I had my improv. class and it was awesome. I am definitely getting my comfort on stage back. I initiated a scene about "sensual basket weaving" and it was a real crowd pleaser... I'm in a class full of dudes yet for some reason I feel like I come up with the dirtiest stuff but when I do, they love it and jump on the bandwagon without hesitation. Haha! I've been feeling weird this week... a little good, a little bad, a little happy, a little sad... all over the place. We finally have a bed and let me just say that it is amazing... simply amazing. I saw my cousin today and we had lunch at a yummy gastropub. I don't go out to eat that much these days so when I do it's a real treat. I miss my family and I just can't wait until Thanksgiving to see them! I'm hoping we are in an even better place so we can enjoy the holiday. It was fun going to Connecticut for my cousin's wedding in July but the whole time I was still slightly stressed and down so I couldn't fully enjoy myself... though we did do lots of eating, drinking, dancing and karaoke. I actually drank so much I puked for like the first time in years... and it was kind of awesome. Gross, I know. Anyway, sending positive vibes out into the universe for Manny and I!

I had an amazing time at home. It was so great to see my mom, brother and sister-in-law. It still feels weird to say "sister-in-law" but I like it. I have another family member! She is staying with my mom until the end of December when my brother should finish the last of his training and then will be stationed somewhere. I am hoping it's Seattle so I can visit! My sister-in-law brought her dog Mei-Mei from Taiwan and the dog is so darling. I think it'll be good for my mom to have a dog staying with her for a few months. My mom's home is so comfy and makes me feel safe and loved. It was hard leaving early Monday morning to drive back to LA. I'm still sad because I miss my family so much but this motivates me to work harder and to get to a good place so they won't worry about me. Although things are at times rough here, I am beyond grateful that my mom is a 6 hour drive away. She gave me a bunch of house stuff that she had sitting around the garage and random closets in the house. It was all nice stuff too! So glad that I could fill up my sadly empty apartment with stuff and that I could help de-clutter my mom's house.

My extended family is generally no-drama. However, Saturday I had to deal with 2 relatives in a not fun way. The first was my cousin just straight up being rude. She didn't know that Manny and I moved to LA. Then when she asked us what for, we told her. She then proceeded to say, "Well usually when you move somewhere, you find a job first. For example, if I wanted to move to NYC, I might apply for jobs in that area, fly there for the interview and then after I am hired, the company would pay for my move. That's usually how it works." So I told her that unfortunately it does not work that way for actors. I left it at that. I didn't want to call her out on her rudeness. I was so angry and then a part of me started feeling like she was right! And then those feelings started eating away at me but then I was able to remind myself not to take things personally so I talked myself down and was able to enjoy the rest of the evening. Then my aunt pulled me aside and asked if I needed anything because she had some extra house stuff which was nice of her but then she said maybe I'd consider moving back home to Folsom or to the Bay Area to be closer to my mom. I told her that because of the things I am pursuing, LA is where I need to be at the present time. Then she started telling me to get in touch with so and so because they might know someone who could do "this" or "that" for me. So I just nodded and let it go again. They have no idea what I do or who I am. I don't judge their lives and if I were to be a bitch, I could easily say something about my cousin's life but I don't. I honestly don't even think about her life because it's none of my business and even if I did think about it, it would be because I am genuinely interested and want to know more about it because she's my family after all.

So we got a bed today thanks to Manny's sister. Sigh. I feel guilt, extreme guilt. I am writing her a check the minute I get some gainful employment.

I've been watching a lot of TV shows and movies because we have DVR. It's nice because I fast-forward through the commercials and I only record stuff that I think is great. This keeps me from just turning the TV on and watching crap for hours at a time.

I would love to be exploring LA more but I don't have the heart for it right now. Activities like watching tv, reading, yoga and neighborhood walks are "safe" activities for me. I'm not ready to leave my comfort zone. I'm going inward these days as opposed to NYC where I was running around, out and about all the time. It's weird how my life is the complete opposite of what it was 5 months ago. But that's life I guess.

A guy from my improv. group in NYC had some sad news today. Him and his wife lost their baby. It was such awful news and made me realize what's important and that life is so precious.

We're not leaving to visit my family until tomorrow. I'm a little bummed because it's one less day I get to spend with them but Manny got an interview so at this point we have to do whatever it takes for both of us to be fully employed. Today has been a weird day. I've been writing, reading, trying to figure things out. I don't know how to approach things in general these days. Should I simply let go and go with the flow or should I figure out exactly what I want and then focus on it like a laser? I would say the solution is the in-between but I haven't figured out how to do that either. I thought about grad. school for awhile and found a program that was of interest at Pepperdine but for the time being, I'm going to shelve that idea. I'm not ready for that committment and to go back to school. UCLA has some extension courses and although they are pricey I think it'd be nice to take one of the courses and stretch my brain a little bit without putting too much pressure on myself.

Last night we treated ourselves to Chinese food and it was nice. We actually sat and ate at our dining table. It felt strange because in NYC Manny and I had opposite schedules so I got used to eating alone... we also didn't have a dining table so if we did eat together it was usually on the couch in front of the TV... which is bad... and we did that for 4 years!

Before dinner we did our usual walk around the neighborhood and I saw a guy stretching his quads and as we got closer to him... I realized I knew him! He was in my 301 class last year at UCB NY and we actually got along really well. We've been living down the street from each other for the last 3 months! But he told me he was sadly moving on Sunday and staying at his mom's outside of LA because his roommate is unstable... anyway, we're going to meet up for lunch next week and it made me so happy to see a familiar face. What's funny is that when we take walks around our neighborhood, they're always at random times and we always take a different route... what if we hard gone down a different street? or what if we had left a little earlier or later? I might not have run into this guy! On our walk last night we also met Demetrius' owner who was so nice and we had a conversation with him about cats being indoor/outdoor. I love meeting cat lovers. I'm kind of shy when I first meet people but if it's about cats, it's easy for me to open up and engage in conversation.

Everyday feels so long and drawn out and I feel like I'm not accomplishing anything. But when I write about my days on this blog, I realize that things did happen and I'm not stagnant... patience, patience, patience! Grrr... so hard... damn you New York City for making me like this!

Improv. class yesterday was interesting. We had mid-class evaluations and my teacher basically told me that I have my shit down but I play very low energy onstage... this upset me because usually when I do improv, I jump out and I'm nuts. I'm not shy. I'm not polite. I'm completely ON. So I realized that I've been bringing my personal issues to my improv. and that is very, very bad. So the teacher asked me to choose an action for my character and initiate a scene with my partner. The one word suggestion was "glass" so I started pouring myself shots and downing them... the scene lead to me playing a 19 year old girl getting smashed because she thinks she's too old. My teacher loved it. So I have 3 more classes and 2 shows to prove to the teacher that I have what it takes to get to the advanced level... eeeek! Also, my teacher is in charge of the UCB Diversity scholarships so if I want to keep getting the scholarship I better impress him! It's a lot of pressure but I know I can bring back that confident performer that I used to be. As one of my super hero yoga teachers says, "You always have a choice." So I am choosing to check my baggage at the door when it comes to my improv.

I am missing NYC so much today. I miss eating lunch in the East Village by myself. I miss grabbing a coffee and sitting outside people watching. I miss the Indian spice store I used to go to. I miss cheap but delicious falafel. I miss reading on the long train ride home after work. I miss going to the UCB training center and seeing familiar faces. I miss going to the UCB theatre and seeing more familiar faces. I miss my Astoria vegetable stand with the big, fat, white cat. I miss ordering cheap Chinese food from Golden Dragon with Manny. I love my current yoga studio but I still miss my old studio. I even miss my old job where everyone I worked with was a friend at at the end of the night I got to eat a delicious, vegan Japanese meal. But life is always changing and I want to embrace my new life here. It's unfolding ever so slowly but that's where I have to exercise patience. Soon I'll find my niche and have a good routine going. This job search is getting so frustrating. I feel so stuck, unbelieveably, horribly stuck. If only my yoga studio job paid twice as much, then I wouldn't have to do something else.

Patience is really useful at a time like this. I am rushing to be settled and have it all figured out. It puts a lot of pressure on myself and stresses me out. Thing are moving slowly but I guess the point is that they are moving. I had a rough morning but I let myself cry and feel whatever needed to be felt. Then I was able to pick myself up and go about my business and go to work. I had some nice conversation with a teacher at the studio and a fellow student. They're both a little older and are musicians. A part of me ran away from acting because the artist's lifestyle scares me. I need stability and I need to know where my next paycheck is coming from. But both of them are in their 30's and 40's and they seem pretty content to be where they are so maybe if I learn to let go, I can live this life. Moving here was such a shock for me that it threw everything out of line. I lost who I was and what I wanted. I lost perspective. But maybe a shake-up is necessary for me to see if maybe there's another path in this life I'm supposed to take. Or maybe this shake-up is to help reaffirm that I'm on the right path. I didn't grow up poor but it scares me to not be able to pay my rent and be comfortable. I don't know why that scares me because it hasn't happened and I haven't been close to it happening. Maybe hearing all this stuff about a bad economy and social security running out has infiltrated my psyche. I don't know. Anyway, I'm almost off of work and I can't wait to get home, eat dinner and spend some time with Manny and the cats. When it's all said and done, I'm glad I have a place to call home. Here's hoping that tomorrow is a good day because I can't take another day starting with tears.

I've spent many years trying to fit in when I should've just embraced who I was. But I also spent a lot of years somewhat embracing me (my time in NYC) and then wishing I fit in more. Now I'm kind of just floating... it's an awful feeling. One of my co-workers writes, produces and acts in her own projects. She doesn't have a lot of money and she's one of the most grounded, together people I've ever met. She's only a little older than me but I see how she lives her life and she inspires me. She credits yoga and meditation for helping her to get to a good place. Right now living in LA and making such little money at my job doesn't feel like it has a purpose so I'm not enjoying it. The purpose was supposed to be to pursue acting professionally but I don't have that fire in me anymore. I don't know if it's temporary or if it's one of those things that will come back to me 10 years from now. I don't want to use the economy as an excuse but after getting through to some temping/employment agencies, it's clear that the prospect of me getting a simple administrative assistant job will be tough. I've been thinking about getting into transcription. Manny used to work with transcribers at his old job so he's been able to offer me some advice about how to break into it. I've been practicing increasing my typing speed to 90wpm with no errors and I'm going to start putting on some movies and getting used to listening and typing. This blog is good for me to write down my plans because by putting it out there for everyone (haha... all TWO of you) to read, it holds me accountable. I don't know how much I'd make as a transcriber but as long as I can pay for all my necessities, treat myself to dinner occasionally and put a little away so we can make a trip to NYC for the holidays, I'll be a happy girl. It'd be nice to work from home. I really like my apartment. It's spacious and airy with plenty of natural light. I also really like the smooth hardwood floors. All I really want to do these days is yoga, improv. and to write... and when I say write I mean what I do on my blog... to let everything out... to acknowledge all these thoughts and feelings I have.

Today we drove to the UCB theatre in Hollywood. I wasn't paying attention and I missed a turn which lead me up a long, windy road past Mulholland Drive! I start panicking and Manny had to calm me down. I'm still not used to driving and I honestly avoid it at all costs. But come Thursday, I will have to drive 7 hours to visit my family. Driving is so easy for most people. It's hard for me to talk about my struggles with it because it makes me feel embarassed and like I failed at something I should have learned when I was 16. I hate driving with someone in the car that's not Manny because I almost always drive worse and then get flustered. Anyway, I guess I can thank LA for forcing me to face this fear head on.

Thanks for the comment Jen! Yes. It's true. I really have no idea what people are thinking and I really shouldn't be wasting my time thinking about it. I try not to think of the economy these days because it'll only depress me and make things feel even more impossible. The hard part is that I'm still wrestling with the idea of starting another career that isn't acting. I don't know where to begin. I have new ideas of what I can do everyday that it overwhelms me. I need to make a decision and then go for it. It's the decision part that's hard... Manny is in a different boat than me. He knows exactly what he wants to do, he just needs to get a job to get the ball rolling. Anyway, I worked at the yoga studio this weekend so today I cleaned the apartment from top to bottom, did laundry and did a little cooking. I'm going to do some more yoga and then head to an improv. show tonight at UCB. A day like today would be perfect... but again... all those worries are still in the back of my mind... but I look forward to the day when they're gone. We're planning to go to visit my family for a little bit. I'm going to have to do the 7 hour drive again... I remember how scary it was the first time so this being my second time... I hope I can kind of enjoy it because roadtrips are kind of fun!

I start work at 6:45am on Saturdays. I love it. Walking down the streets of LA with barely any cars on the road is so peaceful. I open the studio for 11th Step yoga which is for people in AA. It's amazing to see these people come in week after week with the desire to better their lives. Today an older man came out in the middle of class and started sobbing. I didn't feel uncomfortable or awkward. More than anything I wanted to ask him if he was okay. But I left him alone and continued working. People are so disconnected from each other these days. I wish we'd all realize that we're in this together. 

And this really sweet woman who comes here all the time offered me her Whole Foods sandwich because she couldn't eat the whole thing. I took it and then realized it had meat... but I didn't want to be rude and she was being so kind. As much as I want to have my life stuff figured out, I'm grateful that I get to work at a decent job and do as much yoga as I want. 

After a pretty good improv. class yesterday, I was walking home and found a really nice desk in almost perfect shape on the side of the street! It was too heavy so I immediately ran home and waited for Manny to get home so we could take the car and load it in the back. And now I am typing on my laptop which is on top of this awesome desk! Yay. I still can't believe we haven't bought a single piece of furniture yet thanks to the generosity of the neighborhood.

I'm thinking I need focus. I've been all over the place with the job search, figuring out what to do with my life, acting, wanting to write and feeling like I'm not good enough, personal issues... Razor sharp focus! But if anything, I think everyday I get a little bit better in that sense.

Manny and I made friends with this beauitful orange cat on our street named Demetrius. Every time I see him when I go outside, he makes me smile. He's so affectionate and sweet. I'm glad I have cats in my life.

I'm writing this entry so I can remember exactly how awful I felt today. I know that sounds like such a downer but I'm doing this because I truly believe things will workout and in a few months we'll be happy because in life that's all that really matters, happiness. I walked down Melrose Ave. with a stack of server resumes. I was having flashbacks to when I had to do this at age 22 but it was the Upper Westside. I started crying but I made myself stop. It's amazing how a job that earns money is what society uses to define a person? I remember when I worked at Kajitsu and the manager would tell me so-and-so was some photographer and then that guy was a fucking douche and self-absorbed.. But because he's a successful photographer he should be respected and treated well?  I really only waited tables for a collective 3 years in my 20's but sometimes it feels like 10 years. I refuse to let the position I'm in define who I am as a person. It's been tough lately to believe in myself and know that I am capable of doing great things but at this point if I don't believe in myself, who will? What did I expect by leaving literally everything behind and coming here? I guess I feel like I paid my dues in NYC. I suffered, worked, survived... and I have to do it all over again in LA?! What?! But this time I am older and wiser. This time I am not alone. This time, I know what I want out of life. So if I look at all that, how can I fail? Walking down Melrose today, I felt like I failed... failed at the job search, failed at life... FAILED AT LIFE. Dear God. What does that even mean? Is that what a homeless person is? Someone who failed at life?

I'm feeling kind of excited today. I have this idea of what I want my life to be like in the near future. I have an idea of how I make money and how I can express all these ideas I've had floating around in my head for the last few years. Sadly the two are separate at the moment so the job I'd do to make money wouldn't be fulfilling but it'd allow me to do the latter. I've been letting myself day-dream and visualize what I want in detail. I know whatever happens won't be exactly the same but it really gives me hope and gets me out of bed in the morning, so why not.

Our friend who came to visit us on Friday night was someone who we've worked together on some projects back in NYC. Manny worked with her as an actor and I worked with her at the Asian American Film Lab when we were both workshopping new works. She's an amazing writer in addition to being an amazing actor. She asked if Manny and I would be the leads in her short film. This made me so excited!!! And I realize that I want to create and if it doesn't take my career anywhere and doesn't make me any money, I don't care. So at this moment, I am content to walk away from pursuing acting as a profession. I know I never thought of writing as a viable career option for me because (a) I don't do it that much and (b) I never thought I was that great at it but I think because I have a lot of free time these days I'm going to let myself give it a shot (besides this blog of course). I got a lot of positive feedback from a short play I wrote awhile ago which surprised me because I didn't even know how to write a play but the ideas I had in the play were honest, true and raw which is all that really matters to me.

This is a nice, quiet Sunday. It'd be almost perfect if Manny and I weren't worried about jobs in the back of our minds...

And I didn't even acknowledge 9/11. If anything, I am happy I am alive and the ones that I love are here with me. I am grateful for that.

I've been collecting quotes lately that inspire me or give me a new perspective on where I am in life right now. This one rings true to me at the moment:

"It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It's not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can be a catalyst for profound re-invention" - Conan O'Brien

I heard this in his speech to the graduating class at Dartmouth. It almost made me cry. I think when a person is young, they have this idea of how they are going to be as an adult which for me was age 30. Because I'm turning 30 in less than 2 months, I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself to have it all figured out. But does anybody ever have it all figured out? I'm starting to understand that life really is about the journey. It's been a hard lesson to learn because for some reason I always thought by the time I hit 30 I would have accomplished everything and then that's it... I could coast through life. It's such a silly idea now that I think about it. For example, if you always wanted to have 2 kids by 30 it doesn't end there because you still have to raise those kids. If you wanted to be a millionaire by 30 then, you probably still have to keep working to keep up that lifestyle.

I am slowly figuring out what I want my next move to be. Everything feels like it's moving way too slow and both Manny and I are really struggling. A lot of our energy is used to keep our spirits up. If anything, I'm pretty proud of us for not throwing in the towel right now. The task at hand right now is for us both to get jobs. I've had a hard time accepting the fact that I need to wait tables again while I figure out/work towards that next step. I respect waiting tables as a profession. It's not as easy as it looks and most people do it because they are in school, pursuing acting/music/writing etc. or are in a transition phase (myself!). Many people who are close to me make snide comments when I waited tables in NYC and as much as I don't want to admit, I do care what people think about me. I am not a mind reader but I know they think I have no ambition, am lazy or a loser. However this is what I need to do to make a good amount of money and have the sort of schedule I need and I know it won't be forever. But as I said before, because I do care what people think, it's been hard for me to admit that I have to do this.

Tonight an actor friend of ours from NYC is coming over and I think it'll be good to catch up. I do have fond memories of the shows and projects I worked on. I do miss it and am very nostalgic for it.

I'm remaining hopeful and positive. I refuse to ever let myself sink so low that I can't get out of bed in the morning. I truly believe there is a purpose for all this... what the hell that purpose is right now, I have no idea. It sucks. I will go ahead and say it but what can I do but keep living each day and making it the best that it can be?

Today was a rough day but I'm safe at home now and I can't wait to shower and get into bed with a good book and maybe if my cats are in a loving mood, one of them will come cuddle with me. It's the small things these days that can lift my spirits. I went to a yoga class this morning and the minute I got to the studio, my co-worker proceeded to tell me there was an attempted robbery the night before. Apparently someone hid in our building and then made a hole through a wall to get to the jewelry store in the building connected to ours. This is incredibly disturbing because I was the one who locked up the studio last night. So, my yoga class wasn't relaxing like it should have been.

The domino effect is incredibly annoying. I had my improv. class today and I was in such a depressed mood. I wasn't as energetic as I normally am. Usually I jump out every chance I get and I love providing support for my teammates' scenes. Today my improv. reflexes were very slow. I think the teacher noticed and pointed some things out. I'm trying to be more social with improvisers in LA but it's hard because I feel like I'm constantly in a state of depression, worry or anxiety. I try to check the baggage at the door but today I just couldn't seem to do it. Forming an indie team and doing shows is really all about networking. I think as long as you don't suck badly, you should be able to get on a team if you talk to and are nice to the right people.

With that being said, rather than curl up in a ball and cry after class, I made myself eat some dinner and I headed to a weekly improv. show in Hollywood to see my teacher's team perform and get to know some of my classmates better. I'm glad I went. I had some good laughs and interacting with people who have lived in LA for awhile makes me feel like I belong here... whatever that means. I was stressed about finding parking and it took me awhile. Then I was worried I didn't read the signs right and I would get a ticket. I realize now that this is one of those annoying LA things and I will have to accept it and get used to it. This is a running theme in my life right now... accepting things as they are. If you can't change something, you might as well deal with it and perhaps embrace it for what it is. Resistance makes things harder.

Now I am going to wash this day away and head to bed. I'm thinking this is a boring post but that was my day and I felt compelled to document it. Tomorrow will be a good day. I will make sure of it.

I struggle with what I want this blog to be. I have no idea why since nobody reads it. But I guess I like having this out in cyberspace so I can access it whenever I want as long as I have internet. And if someone stumbles up on and reads it, so be it because I don't have any personal information on here.

I recently made a huge life change. I moved across the country with some money saved up but also without anything definite, like a job. I thought I did it for my acting career but the truth is, I haven't wanted to pursue this career for awhile but I didn't want to admit it to myself because it felt like failure, giving up and of course perhaps admitting to myself that I'm just not good enough to hack it. And the worst thought was that I invested the better part of my twenties working at this thing. What the hell do I do now?! These are really awful thoughts that have given me more anxiety and grief than I would ever want in a lifetime. I went through a dark time where I felt so hopeless and spent days crying. However I am lucky because I have my man beside me and as silly as it sounds, my two cats moved across the country with me as well so it's comforting to have them around. I am not alone and I do find comfort in that. At this time in my life, I am literally starting from scratch. Our apartment is a shining example of this. We came here with an air mattress and I guess a tv and laptop computer count as some sort of furniture/household item. We've been lucky and aquired some decent pieces of furniture off the street these last few weeks thanks to generous people (and strangers leaving things on our street!).

I have been fortunate to have a part-time job down the street from me at a yoga studio so I can take as much yoga as I want for free. The problem is the money isn't enough which means I have to look for something else. Being unemployed is a struggle in itself. Being unemployed in a city I don't know, love or feel comfortable in is very daunting. And then throw in the fact that I'm evaluating everything in my life right now and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life career-wise. I'm taking an improv. class right now and starting a team and it makes me realize that I can still do what I love without putting pressure on myself. As I type this out, I realize that I have to stop being so hard on myself. The position I'm in is incredibly difficult. There is also a part of me that feels extreme guilt because I put myself in this situation. I can't help but wonder if I had stayed in NYC would I be happier. But that's the thing... I slowly turned complacent there. I was comfortable but not really content. I am choosing to look at LA as a wake-up call and a chance to start over from scratch and create a life that I am not only comfortable in, but happy and alive in.

I really enjoyed my time in NYC for the most part. I'm glad I did it in my 20's. But now I'm ready for a quieter, serene and more balanced life. As fun and exciting as my life in NYC was, it was also exhausting and drained me emotionally, physically and mentally. But, I can't wait to visit since I'll be vacationing in a city that I know like that back of my hand!

Right now I'm trying to focus on one step at a time, instead of the gigantic mountain range that I have to climb over. It is so incredibly daunting that random moments through the day I want to cry out of frustration and anxiety.

There are positives to this though. I feel that my relationship with my boyfriend is being strengthened through all this. I'm also doing yoga and reading a lot which I could never seem to do regularly in NYC.

Anyway, I think I will now use this blog to talk about this experience of finding myself. I know that's an overused phrase but that's what's really going on here. I know I will look back on this period in my life with pride and as absurd as this sounds, maybe with a bit of nostalgia for everything being so fresh, new and unpredictable.

You attract what you are... I'm starting to believe that. The more positive I am, the better things get. But is that because I'm seeing things in a more positive light or because it is true of the law of attraction. Hm. I'm going to pay attention to that this week. I'll let you know what I find.

I think I'm getting a clearer and clearer picture of what I want out of life... nothing specific, but I know the way I want to feel in it, happy. Time starts now.

Trying to find the silver lining... shit is it taking a long time!

"We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us." - Joseph Campbell

It really sucks when someone close to you doesn't believe in you. I guess the only way to fix that is to just live a good life and know that you're on the right path... I used to care more, but I guess I've been living my life for awhile now and I like all the things I've done and all the things I plan on doing.

Sometimes a problem seems so overwhelming and there is no solution in sight. But if you take a step back and really get to the root of it, there is usually only one good solution and it is usually the scariest and hardest one, but still a solution nonetheless. So with that being said, wish me luck because I sure as hell need it right now.

Talk is cheap. Action is worth a million bucks! I took some action yesterday and now I feel like my plan is real...it's an amazing feeling. The details aren't sorted out, some kinks are definitely forseen but the point is that I am making moves and that's what matters.

I've been exercising regularly for the last 2 months. For awhile my body was feeling great but the last few days, my hamstring has been bothering me again and I almost felt like my body took a step back. It is incredibly frustrating. But as I did yoga today I decided not to focus on the ultimate goal (which is to be way more fit that the average person). I am now simply going to enjoy actual act of exercise and enjoy that high you get right after. The actual getting fit part will come naturally... I assume.

Instead of bitching about our world and this society, why don't people just do something about it? I find that when I shut-up and do something constructive and meaningful, I feel a lot better. When I start complaining then it turns into this ugly, vicious cycle that pretty much accomplishes nothing.

When I take care of myself, I always feel good... so why don't I just do that all the time?

I wish I was artsy, like in the visual way.

Leave me alone.

Lately when I have free time, I just want to stay home, make food and watch Netflix Instant Viewing. When someone dare tries to make plans with me, I get annoyed that my plans for food and tv/movie gluttony are ruined because I certainly can't tell a friend I made a date with my couch, laptop and a bowl of popcorn so I can't go with them to do this or that. But I think all that has to do with Winter.

Why can't adults cry?

This is how I feel today. Everything I try to do just feels so hard and pointless. And it doesn't help that I slipped on some ice and a bunch of people literally cringed and went "Ohhhh." It must've looked really bad because 2 people came over and were genuinely concerned about me and kept repeatedly asking if I was okay. I think I was in shock for awhile. Anyway, I am fine but I am looking forward to the gigantic bruise that will probably show up tomorrow morning. Right after it happened I really felt like crying. I wanted to sit on the ground and just scream and cry and be a big, fat baby. But when I got home some great books that I ordered off of Amazon were waiting for me at my front door (way to go mailman...there are a lot of thieves in my building...). Thankfully my books weren't stolen. I am a fan of self-help and books about acting, writing and being an artist... so the books I got all fall into those genres and I immediately feel like I can fix my life and put this awful day behind me.

How to say "cat" in different languages:

Mandarin: mao
Spanish: gato
Japanese: neko
French: chat
Italian: gatto
Polish: kot
Afrikaans: kat
German: katze

If I was rich...

If I was rich, I wouldn't want a really big house for serveral reasons. 1) I get scared really easily and a big house would have many of dark corners and have strange noises that echo a lot. 2) There would be lots to clean and I wouldn't hire a housekeeper because I don't believe in having someone else clean my messes. 3) I don't like to be wasteful and the materials used to build all those extra rooms would yeah... simply be wasteful. Plus it'd take a lot of energy to heat and cool the house. However, what I would do is travel all over the world. I'd also eat out whenever I want. Thanks to Restaurant Week I was able to sort of afford "EN" tonight and while I was eating I kept thinking how nice it would be to go to nice places more often. Pretty much everytime I go out and have a wonderful meal I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. But for now, I'll be happy with my pizza, falafel and 50% off sushi.

I'm so happy!

I notice the happier I get, the more I notice how unhappy other people are and I feel really sorry for them. But when I'm totally unhappy, I want to slap that stupid smile off a happy person's face. Lately I've been really happy. It's not like anything really great has happened. I think I'm just making a conscious effort to be happy. It's funny that it's that simple. When I'm happy, the usual things that would annoy me, simply don't annoy me and then I get even happier. So I really hope I look back on this post and instead of wishing I was happy, I'd smile and remember when it all started. This post is probably lame but at this point I don't care what anyone thinks. Why? Well, this is my blog and I can write whatever the fuck I want. And because I do whatever fuck I want, I'm including a random photo of heart-shaped biscuits I made.

Thank you Rachael.

I finally got my Keurig coffeemaker courtesy of the Rachael Ray show. It is WONDERFUL. I've tried to stop drinking coffee at various points in my life but I'm okay with my addiction now. Coffee is better than smoking, binge drinking and drugs right? The best part of the coffeemaker is that everytime I use it, I remember that I actually won something which leads me to the belief that anything is possible. That's a belief I really need right now. I'm kind of at a crossroads in my life... I am pretty sure which direction I'm going but I can't help but freak out and wonder if I'm going to be okay and if everything is going to work out... but who would have thought I'd actually win something on national television... so yes...anything is possible!

Snow

I love it when it snows. I especially love walking through it late at night, all alone...it's like the world was put on mute in the best possible way...romantic, peaceful, magical. Maybe I'm not as much of a California girl as I thought.

Funny

Someone asked me why I like improvisation so much and I couldn't really give them a solid answer. So on my way home from seeing an awesome Harold by Badman tonight at UCB I started to really think about it... and it really just comes down to the fact that I love to make people laugh. It's kind of ironic considering that people always see me as shy and quiet when they first meet me (because I am) and that the only people who I ever let loose around are those closest to me. I guess performing improv. is my way of letting all that funny out. I have all these crazy thoughts, silly ideas and random shit that's always at the tip of my tongue and it feels so good to just get it all out there into the universe.

New year... new blog...

Since I've been doing a lot of writing lately, I thought it'd be helpful for me to blog on a regular basis. I just need a place to write with no pressure, no expectations and let whatever is on my mind come out. It's kind of like warming up my brain I guess. I'm a fan of fresh starts so I deleted all my weirdo posts from the past 2 years. Some people believe how you spend your New Years Eve determines how the following year will be... so this year I spent the evening eating delicious Japanese food at Robataya with M... turned red from having one glass of champagne... falling asleep while watching "MacGruber" and waking up at 12:10am. Based on that chain of events I think my year will be filled with eating delicious food, getting good sleep and laughing... not sure where the turning red from champagne part fits in... and since I woke up at 12:10am and missed watching the ball drop I better be careful not to be late in 2011.

Here is a photo of my favorite dish of the night: Aspara Bou!

Happy New Year!